learning

I had this giant post drafted about how my classroom and teaching life here is totally different than my previous experiences in Korea and Minnesota. I read it and didn't feel super great about just pointing fingers at cultures and listing differences. They're apparent, they're real, they impact me, but I'm not really here to write lists and draw comparisons.

I had a check-in meeting with my vice principal yesterday and I'd be lying if I told you I was calm or excited about it. I didn't even know my vice principal's name before I moved here because in my interview process I was working with the secondary principal and the director of the school. I went in and was nervous - I came ready to take notes and be honest about my shortcomings in this entirely new environment. He told me to put it down and asked me how I'm doing. I responded with something like "Pretty well! I've loved meeting students, my department is super supportive, I feel lost in terms of planning in the IB structure, but I'll get there" and he said "okay you just told me how work is. tell me about how Emmalee is". It took my breath away. My eyes welled up.

It is easy to dive into a task list and not think about myself.
I'm good at setting small goals so I don't feel like I'm drowning.
I automatically focus on the work because I moved here to do a job.
As often as I label myself as negative, I really have been finding the positives here.


But it is hard.
It is immensely difficult to move to a new city, start a new job, live out of a suitcase, not know the language, and not know the people around you.

• It took me 15 minutes to figure out how to call the salon to schedule a pedicure... and everything is in english. HOW COME THIS IS SO HARD WHEN ITS ALL IN ENGLISH
• I write emails to people I don't know, asking if they're the right person to fix my smart board, not knowing if it'll be functioning the right way for my planned activity coming up in the next block.
• Most of my lesson plans are straight up lifted from my co-teachers (which is good - we're aligned!) but I often feel as though I'm bringing absolutely nothing to the table. That is not exactly the model of collaboration. They're SO helpful and I feel a little guilty, like I'm taking advantage of them.
• Kids ask me something about attendance on assembly days and I don't know the answer. I don't like not having the answers, especially when it comes to kiddos.
• Tried to schedule a doctor's appointment and their online system asks for a MRNO and so I google that only to find absolutely zero help. I submit a complaint and hear nothing back for days. I try to call them and I get a man speaking in arabic but it's a recording so I think I dialed it incorrectly. It goes on and on - I tried it from a land line, again from my cell phone but without the country code, etc. I figured it out.... but how many steps does it take to schedule an appointment with the clinic that's down the street from me. 
• I got home from work and started watching trashy tv and pined for a glass of wine to go with it. nope. no wine here.
• I brought my pants to the dry cleaner (because I don't have an iron, but even if I did, I still don't want to iron my pants), but then two days later I forgot to pick them up and was left with ONE PAIR OF PANTS to wear to work. My suitcase wardrobe is limited and I'm the idiot that brought all of my work pants to the dry cleaner at the same time and then didn't pick them up. 

After writing this list I read it - this list of bumps-in-the-road is not a deal-breaker. None of these are actually threatening my well-being. But as any traveler or expat can tell you, the constant state of "figuring it out" can be exhausting. I think in moving here I had a mindset that "this will be easier because I've done it before", and in some ways I think it is. In other ways, it's not. My tearful moments of homesickness are when I'm thinking of Korea, and I find that confusing. I'm used to being away from minnesota, it'll always be my home, but at this point I'm sort of grieving the loss of my former life in Korea. Parts of it will always remain, I'll have memories and friendships from there that will never leave me, I know. But I had really built myself a vibrant life there. And now between the moments of feeling relatively unsuccessful or confused, I also miss my two homes.

So I eat some food that's bad for me and text friends and family back home.
I go to dance class and get a fresh mango juice with a new friend here.
I listen to my favorite music on my classroom speakers REALLY LOUD because my sound system is excellent.
Eventually, I'll have my stuff and my people.... but for now it's one step and one class at a time.

I'm not trying to solicit your sympathy. I just want you to know (similar to how I felt in Seoul), that this is not Eat Pray Love. This is real life. We all try to present out highlight reel on social media, and that's all true and good, but this is also real and important to share. So if you say something like "I don't know how you do it!" or "I'm amazed at your courage" and I respond with something like "oh it's just normal" or "thanks but I'm sure you could do this easily"..... thank you. I often don't recognize how hard this is until I sit still and really think. (Which if you know me, you know it isn't often that I sit still without falling asleep within 15 minutes hahaha.)

This is not an uphill battle, but it is a really big one that is personal and all-encompassing. I really appreciate all the love and support I've received. It's not easy to leave, but I also know it's not easy to be the person on the other side who is trying to support someone through the unknown (when you maybe just want them back on your side where there is no unknown). So thank you for your love. I feel as though the universe is rooting for me because you're on my side.