mine.
Have you ever gone away for a while?
It feels so familiar and different when you return.
I'm finding that after going back and forth so many times, I love the return. No matter if I'm going back to Minnesota or wherever I'm living... the return is usually something I look forward to. Maybe that's a part of why I like this international life... I used to always count down to christmas and thanksgiving. Now I count down to my next plane ride.
When I go home, I love how certain places feel like they're yours. Like you can say "this is my life. this is my place" and as a person who feels at home in a couple different places on this globe... I get to say that pretty often which is nice.... and also funny. Like, how do I have a certain janky shawarma shop I always stop at on my way home from Jeddah? Is this really my life?
I was home in MN for about 3 weeks to celebrate holidays. It was fantastic and snowy and cozy and filled with lovely people who I miss often. Constantly going back and forth makes this quick nostalgia. Like my parents house always smells the same and I hate the same stoplights every time I'm home and it's comforting to have a usual order at a place where you can read the menu. Returning home feels so amazing it can't be described. It's the best; it's mine.
and then I come back to saudi and I also get to feel like "this is mine". (I know - you don't own a place) But I know in these moments when I'm glad to see the same guy at the indian restaurant and we joke that I come every Monday (usually before orchestra rehearsal) that this is something I will miss years from now. Maybe it's because I always know I'll eventually move somewhere else that these moments of ownership and feeling like I belong here feel very special and warm. As an expat you spend a lot of time feeling like an outsider - most places I go I know I don't have a vote or pay taxes or get seriously invested in any other way. That's the benefit and struggle of foreign living, because it's freeing but can also be lonely in a bigger sense. What about when home becomes a place you just visit? That's probably why these moments of "hey this is familiar and its mine and that means something" are really beautiful, whether they happen in a house in MN or on the highway in Saudi. You find little pieces or moments of "home" wherever you are.
Who knows why, but I feel like I am much quicker to "own" this life and experience than I have been before. In Seoul it took me ages to feel like my apartment, neighborhood, and experience were mine. "Mine? All of my stuff is back in Iowa and Minnesota. I don't belong here!"is what I was thinking for probably a year, maybe a year and a half. I also struggled for a while (i mean a couple years) when visiting home.... they talk to you about that - it's called reverse culture shock. Perhaps I'm getting better at that elusive goal we all have: "being present". I have no idea where "home" is, but I know what it feels like and it keeps finding me in the hugs of people I love, students who rock a task, biting into my favorite local food, the best korean hair conditioner, the smiles (and shoves) of strangers, nostalgia that strikes aggressively, and music that makes me feel like me.
This is mine.
It feels so familiar and different when you return.
I'm finding that after going back and forth so many times, I love the return. No matter if I'm going back to Minnesota or wherever I'm living... the return is usually something I look forward to. Maybe that's a part of why I like this international life... I used to always count down to christmas and thanksgiving. Now I count down to my next plane ride.
When I go home, I love how certain places feel like they're yours. Like you can say "this is my life. this is my place" and as a person who feels at home in a couple different places on this globe... I get to say that pretty often which is nice.... and also funny. Like, how do I have a certain janky shawarma shop I always stop at on my way home from Jeddah? Is this really my life?
I was home in MN for about 3 weeks to celebrate holidays. It was fantastic and snowy and cozy and filled with lovely people who I miss often. Constantly going back and forth makes this quick nostalgia. Like my parents house always smells the same and I hate the same stoplights every time I'm home and it's comforting to have a usual order at a place where you can read the menu. Returning home feels so amazing it can't be described. It's the best; it's mine.
and then I come back to saudi and I also get to feel like "this is mine". (I know - you don't own a place) But I know in these moments when I'm glad to see the same guy at the indian restaurant and we joke that I come every Monday (usually before orchestra rehearsal) that this is something I will miss years from now. Maybe it's because I always know I'll eventually move somewhere else that these moments of ownership and feeling like I belong here feel very special and warm. As an expat you spend a lot of time feeling like an outsider - most places I go I know I don't have a vote or pay taxes or get seriously invested in any other way. That's the benefit and struggle of foreign living, because it's freeing but can also be lonely in a bigger sense. What about when home becomes a place you just visit? That's probably why these moments of "hey this is familiar and its mine and that means something" are really beautiful, whether they happen in a house in MN or on the highway in Saudi. You find little pieces or moments of "home" wherever you are.
Who knows why, but I feel like I am much quicker to "own" this life and experience than I have been before. In Seoul it took me ages to feel like my apartment, neighborhood, and experience were mine. "Mine? All of my stuff is back in Iowa and Minnesota. I don't belong here!"is what I was thinking for probably a year, maybe a year and a half. I also struggled for a while (i mean a couple years) when visiting home.... they talk to you about that - it's called reverse culture shock. Perhaps I'm getting better at that elusive goal we all have: "being present". I have no idea where "home" is, but I know what it feels like and it keeps finding me in the hugs of people I love, students who rock a task, biting into my favorite local food, the best korean hair conditioner, the smiles (and shoves) of strangers, nostalgia that strikes aggressively, and music that makes me feel like me.
This is mine.
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